I have a love for lost causes, and I come by it honestly. I spent my formative years playing in the marching band for the worst football team in the country. I do not recall our precise record, but in my mind, we were 0 and 80. Still, I hooted. I hollered. I honked my little saxophone.
The best thing I can say about those games is that they were short, as the 35 point rule—the high school equivalent of bestowing mercy—meant that the clock was running almost continuously. The second best thing I can say about them is that I got to microwave buffalo chicken tenders when I got home.
Both my chosen sports teams and my defeat dinners have improved substantially since then. But the core principle remains the same: When you know you’re going to lose, you need unfussy, straightforward comfort food. Only the classics will do.
Consider these recipes a game-day Greatest Hits album, then—surefire crowd-appeasers that no scoreline can sully. These are dishes that can comfort you through the five stages of sports grief (Denial, Anger, Second Anger, Silence, Kicking). The only thing more satisfying is knowing no one can call you a bandwagon fan.
